I started my chaplaincy residency in August. It is full time. 40 hours a week. With on call shifts. I have 3 kids with special needs. I live in the Twin Cities. There are so many days over these last two months where just showing up to the hospital feels like a mountain I have climbed and I have zero energy for the day ahead. And then my colleagues and I meet for our morning huddle. And I hear stories of kindness and helpers, and horror and awfulness, the whole gambit. And we laugh, the dry, sardonic laugh of people in hard places. And I decide maybe I can go visit a few patients. When I feel terrible about not doing more than donating groceries for my neighbors too terrified to leave their homes, I tell myself, "We all do what we can. This is what I can do right now." Thank you for the reminder of Lent and lamentation and ashes. Feeling that deeply right now.
SO many of us deeply feel that wanting to do more! “ should I hop on a plane and go to Minneapolis? “ How can I protect my Haitian friends( students) in Springfield, how can I reach out to Savannah Guthrie right now with a poem or letter??!!😢
I appreciate your reminder of Mother Teresa’s words.
Kristi, chaplaincy + on-call + three kids + all of **this**? Showing up is not small at all. Your “this is what I can do right now” is exactly right. Thank you for doing it. And that "dry, sardonic laugh of people in hard places" is one I know too well!
I truly am so grateful for your very real, authentic writings. They are giving me some sanity right now. I'm relistening to Everything Happens on my commute because it helps all my residency experiences/conversations have a context that makes more sense.
Beautiful, raw and real. Praying for us all to heed both yours and Kate’s words right now because Minneapolis today…… fill in the blank, tomorrow. I need to balance consuming the bad news all around which has at times left me feeling paralyzed and helpless, depressed and tempted to resign myself to it all. I want to know what’s happening but not wade too deep into the information cesspool, but instead, go be with others, doing “what I can right now”, as you say Kristi. I have been doing more outreach to people in need in my community through a local volunteer organization, and it has, quite frankly, been a lifeline to me.
This morning was hard though….until I read this, I became overwhelmed again, and went back under the covers, cancelled a workout, and a dentist appt, and was about to cancel out on another volunteer opportunity. Isolation breeds hopelessness, especially now, but hope definitely is “a muscle to be exercised” more than a mood to be endured….thanks for that Kate and Kristi, just what I needed for today. 🙏🏻🩷
Thankful that you have a “morning huddle” Kristi to help bring you to an “anchoring,” shoring you up for ALL you need and want to do in the day that evolves as you step out of the huddle! Much love to you!
Fellow Twin Cities faith leader chiming in. You are doing hard and holy work while this occupation requires such vigilance in our daily lives. As the mom of two neurodivergent elementary kids and the Director of Children's Ministry for a church in downtown Minneapolis, I feel this fatigue. It's discombobulating.
In response to parents and friends apologizing for being so scatterbrained right now, I explain, "Anyone who has their life together right now is not to be trusted. Thank goodness you are staying human."
It's the goodness of our shared humanity that keeps me going right now, that serves as a bright contrast to the brutality. The work that you are doing is so needed, and we all have our roles where we are equiped to do the most good. This isn't a sprint, and we are not called to do everything.
May today have far more beauty than brutality. We take care of each other. Deep breaths and know that you aren't along in how you are feeling.
I am not a gardener, Lynn. But I do believe that gardening is the supreme metaphor. Keep on planting, enjoying, viewing, pruning and harvesting. Have I left anything out?
I’ve gotten a lot of practice with this in the past year, caregiving for my mother with Alzheimer’s in my home following the death of my father. Many days it feels like the world is on fire both inside and outside our home but I keep making dinner, sorting the meds, calling the doctors, working when I can, and finding all the joy I can in the midst of it all. Thank you for this.
Bless you Jordan, praying for you that God continues to strengthen and sustain you with joy each day. This is not an easy road, but I’m reminded in such times as the apostle Paul said, thst I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 🙏🏻🩷
"It feels hard to grieve without a funeral—just a constant low-grade mourning we carry into meetings and grocery line"
Yes, Jordan. I too care for someone with dementia. It's a double dose of ambiguous loss - the Cities and our loved ones and yes, we keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathing with our hands on our heart and offering up a prayer. Thank you for your post.
Wow Jordan!!!!! SO MUCH! TOO Much!!! What a deep wellspring you must have that can STILL allow you to find JOY in moments through your days!!!!!! May your “Wellspring” keep providing !!!!!!!💗
I'm not a crier, but I inexplicably break down when their updates pop up in my Instagram feed. What a simple, powerful gesture in a time when so many of us are suffering and aching for comfort and peace.
Praying for you with continued prayers for MN and everywhere that ICE is functioning. Take heart, that we are banging on the doors of our Senators and Reps, holding demonstrations and prayer vigils, writing and speaking about this insanity. 💔 You are not alone.
Oklahoma. We just threw a fit because ICE was going to buy a facility and create an ICE detention center. The owner decided not to sell after all the outcry. Our mayor was against it and thrilled we turned ICE away. Now if we can get some legislative help nationally we may get that first step to turning back the flood.
Mari, It is HEARTBREAKING to see and know that children are thought of as “bait” and/or are not valued as the sacred, innocent little precious beings that they are. 💔 Heartbreaking! How can anyone support a President who unleashes such a terror! I worked in schools for my career. I cannot imagine the daily fear children, their parents , teachers and staff have seeing ICE vans in the school parking lot or nearby!!
Yes, Jane, I did. I leave comments for posts in sonnet form, written after I've seen the post.
Why Shakespearean sonnets? Two reasons...first, it's a good writing discipline, putting in effect a whole story into fourteen lines with a specific rhyme scheme and metre.
Truly you have been given the gift to perhaps enable yourself to “eek through” the painful and emotional insults of Cancer. Your words will, I’m sure touch many people who are walking through and in valleys of pain and grief.
May God, family and friends be a comfort to you.☺️😌
Oh Andrew! You’ve done it again! You express yourself so beautifully. You challenge the reader every single time with your “present tense” perspective.
Thank you for this today. Your writing is a balm to wounded souls. Myself, I’m living with this daily challenge with a husband in treatment for brain cancer. We’re living each day as it comes but nothing is ordinary anymore. Plus we live in Minnesota, where everyday something new and horrific happens. Not just in the Twin Cities, but all over the state and in rural areas. It’s too much sometimes, leaving us hollowed out. But I’m gonna go to my gym class, get groceries, and make a nice dinner today. Each day is a new day.
I’m so sorry. Cancer changes everything, and then the news just keeps piling on. I’m glad you’re doing the grocery run and preparing a nice dinner for yourself. One day at a time is enough.
Thank you! Ironically, while I was making dinner last night, we got a call and had to haul him into the ER. So that dinner will be another night. He's doing okay this morning, more tests and then...
So beautifully said. My granddaughter also is dealing with 4th stage breast cancer. Chemo today! While I set Jello for our supper!! Nothing seems normal anymore, even in a little town in Minnesota.. I love this sharing. Thank you.
I'm tired. I'm 68 and I marched on Washington in the 70s, advocated for Roe, showed up for Gay rights, and gun control, and it feels like it was all for naught. I wake up in the middle of the night, mind racing, mulling over the horrific events of yet another day in a country under siege. I despair for my children and grandchildren. And yet, as I write, I'm lesson planning and preparing dinner and the Scripture for morning prayer group. Because I can't let them win. And if that means dusting off the protest signs, then so be it. But I'll turn off the stove before I head out.
It is good to know the brokenness of a structure so that we can restore what little part of the wall we are next to. It is also good, as a sensitive soul, to ignore some of the world's raging and simply look people in the eye. Kate, thank you for naming the ache and naming a way through- namely, LIVING.
Wow this hit hard this morning , I shall pass it on . Sometimes we grieve those not dead, but those lost to addiction, mental illness , Alzheimer’s and that unresolved grief is really hard to bear . So we move through the days doing as best we can , loving as best we can knowing that we can’t control or fix things beyond ourselves and praying for El SHADDAI to grieve with us and direct our paths, thoughts and ways . Thank you
Weary. Glad I'm not alone. Living in the "nevertheless," knowing it was for such a time as this that God's caring shines through. Grateful for ordinary heroes.
I like your way of putting it....."living in the 'nevertheless' "! Because of the crucifixion and the RESURRECTION, we know that love gets the last word and will be victorious. Therefore we can "nevertheless" live faithfully with hope!
The Vermeer painting really moved me. It’s such a beautiful, quiet scene, so peaceful and grounding. And it came just at the spot where you said we must go about daily tasks like preparing dinner while our hearts are broken open. I wondered: what traumas does the woman in the painting carry? Our hearts are broken, we are afraid, and life continues, filled with beauty.
Yes!!!! I SO love that painting also!!!!! It is a beautiful reminder of “Keep going! Keep doing the daily tasks!!! ( just don’t forget to try and take a break for a little rest or self care!!!!☺️
I don't have anything wise or brilliant to say, only this: Kate Bowler, thank you for naming the things, all thing the things, the hard things, the unmentionable things, the joys-filled things, the kind and loving things. I am so grateful to be able to open my inbox and hear a word that encourages me to get out of bed and eat a bowl of oatmeal and go trudging around in the frigid New England cold and snow in so many clothes I feel like an over-bundled toddler then come home and call mum's homemaker (she's got Alzheimer's and LBD, still early-insert teeth clenched emoji) and hope she can keep the same day because it's the same day as meal delivery and too many days with too many different things is too much. And I will make cookies for a cookie decorating party this weekend with local immigrant/refugee families because joy is an act of resistance and I will make the hard phone calls to struggling families I work with and plan an Easter service and Vacation Bible Camp and blanket making in church school for Project Linus. Kate, you remind us of the giant AND: that I can cry quietly(or loudly) in the car for all who suffer AND I can throw myself back into the snow to make a snow angel in my mum's driveway. Kate Bowler, thank you a million times over.
Fistbump from a fellow New Englander with no particular wisdom or brilliance. I keep thinking about baking but then get paralyzed by *waves arms frantically* all of this. Your words are inspiring me to make a go of it tomorrow though.
I’m not asking that you put your head in the sand but only that you take a moment to remember what it feels like to have the sand between your toes and feel the ocean embrace you.
I feel hopeful and know that God is in control no matter the circumstances. We need to continue to love each other and pray for wisdom and guidance as we walk through the absolute mess our country and the world are in.
I started my chaplaincy residency in August. It is full time. 40 hours a week. With on call shifts. I have 3 kids with special needs. I live in the Twin Cities. There are so many days over these last two months where just showing up to the hospital feels like a mountain I have climbed and I have zero energy for the day ahead. And then my colleagues and I meet for our morning huddle. And I hear stories of kindness and helpers, and horror and awfulness, the whole gambit. And we laugh, the dry, sardonic laugh of people in hard places. And I decide maybe I can go visit a few patients. When I feel terrible about not doing more than donating groceries for my neighbors too terrified to leave their homes, I tell myself, "We all do what we can. This is what I can do right now." Thank you for the reminder of Lent and lamentation and ashes. Feeling that deeply right now.
Mother Theresa said, If you can't feed a hundred people, just feed one. It is enough. You are enough.
SO many of us deeply feel that wanting to do more! “ should I hop on a plane and go to Minneapolis? “ How can I protect my Haitian friends( students) in Springfield, how can I reach out to Savannah Guthrie right now with a poem or letter??!!😢
I appreciate your reminder of Mother Teresa’s words.
Kristi, chaplaincy + on-call + three kids + all of **this**? Showing up is not small at all. Your “this is what I can do right now” is exactly right. Thank you for doing it. And that "dry, sardonic laugh of people in hard places" is one I know too well!
I truly am so grateful for your very real, authentic writings. They are giving me some sanity right now. I'm relistening to Everything Happens on my commute because it helps all my residency experiences/conversations have a context that makes more sense.
Beautiful, raw and real. Praying for us all to heed both yours and Kate’s words right now because Minneapolis today…… fill in the blank, tomorrow. I need to balance consuming the bad news all around which has at times left me feeling paralyzed and helpless, depressed and tempted to resign myself to it all. I want to know what’s happening but not wade too deep into the information cesspool, but instead, go be with others, doing “what I can right now”, as you say Kristi. I have been doing more outreach to people in need in my community through a local volunteer organization, and it has, quite frankly, been a lifeline to me.
This morning was hard though….until I read this, I became overwhelmed again, and went back under the covers, cancelled a workout, and a dentist appt, and was about to cancel out on another volunteer opportunity. Isolation breeds hopelessness, especially now, but hope definitely is “a muscle to be exercised” more than a mood to be endured….thanks for that Kate and Kristi, just what I needed for today. 🙏🏻🩷
Isolation breed hopelessness, so very true! Sending you a gentle hug, Sue. We're in this together, no matter where we are.
❤️
Fellow anguished Minneapolis resident here. I see you. And thank you for how you witness and walk with others. 🙏
Cannot imagine how shocked, fearful and SO VERy sad you must feel every day. Love to you.
🥰🙏
Thankful that you have a “morning huddle” Kristi to help bring you to an “anchoring,” shoring you up for ALL you need and want to do in the day that evolves as you step out of the huddle! Much love to you!
Fellow Twin Cities faith leader chiming in. You are doing hard and holy work while this occupation requires such vigilance in our daily lives. As the mom of two neurodivergent elementary kids and the Director of Children's Ministry for a church in downtown Minneapolis, I feel this fatigue. It's discombobulating.
In response to parents and friends apologizing for being so scatterbrained right now, I explain, "Anyone who has their life together right now is not to be trusted. Thank goodness you are staying human."
It's the goodness of our shared humanity that keeps me going right now, that serves as a bright contrast to the brutality. The work that you are doing is so needed, and we all have our roles where we are equiped to do the most good. This isn't a sprint, and we are not called to do everything.
May today have far more beauty than brutality. We take care of each other. Deep breaths and know that you aren't along in how you are feeling.
When the end of the world is nigh, plant a seed of something you love. - Dwight Lee Wolter.
Dropping a quote you wrote three minutes ago is 100% my brand of humor. Also: it’s a great one. Thank you for sharing with all of us!
Peace, health & many other blessing to you, Kate, and those close to your heart ~ Dwight Lee Wolter
I love this quote!
Thanks. I wrote it three minutes ago.
Thanks, Dwight for that lovely quote. I'm a gardener and it means a lot to me in these turbulant times.
I am not a gardener, Lynn. But I do believe that gardening is the supreme metaphor. Keep on planting, enjoying, viewing, pruning and harvesting. Have I left anything out?
This “comment” is expanded muchly at dwightleewolter.substack.com
I may not be able to change minds but I can pray that hearts are changed.
Move a muscle, change a thought. The heart is a muscle.
I’ve gotten a lot of practice with this in the past year, caregiving for my mother with Alzheimer’s in my home following the death of my father. Many days it feels like the world is on fire both inside and outside our home but I keep making dinner, sorting the meds, calling the doctors, working when I can, and finding all the joy I can in the midst of it all. Thank you for this.
You're doing a great job
Bless you Jordan, praying for you that God continues to strengthen and sustain you with joy each day. This is not an easy road, but I’m reminded in such times as the apostle Paul said, thst I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 🙏🏻🩷
Sue- I have written and read that Bible passage so many times over the past few months. It is what keeps me going some days.
"It feels hard to grieve without a funeral—just a constant low-grade mourning we carry into meetings and grocery line"
Yes, Jordan. I too care for someone with dementia. It's a double dose of ambiguous loss - the Cities and our loved ones and yes, we keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathing with our hands on our heart and offering up a prayer. Thank you for your post.
You are a blessing to your mother and you will NEVER regret the time you have spent being an angel to your mother ! 🙏❤️
A hero every day🌺
Wow Jordan!!!!! SO MUCH! TOO Much!!! What a deep wellspring you must have that can STILL allow you to find JOY in moments through your days!!!!!! May your “Wellspring” keep providing !!!!!!!💗
This is a gift. You are a gift. Amidst it all. Thank you.
Watching the Buddhist Monks’ Peace Walk gives me hope. They have helped so many along their walk to DC.
I'm not a crier, but I inexplicably break down when their updates pop up in my Instagram feed. What a simple, powerful gesture in a time when so many of us are suffering and aching for comfort and peace.
Here in MN, I feel utter despair. No child 👧 should be abducted (by heavily armed, masked ICE agents) ON THEIR WAY TO SCHOOL,
No families should be separated (often with no cause) & detained in dreadful holding tanks. Or, worse, “disappeared” from the system
🫣
😫😣😧😭
Praying for you with continued prayers for MN and everywhere that ICE is functioning. Take heart, that we are banging on the doors of our Senators and Reps, holding demonstrations and prayer vigils, writing and speaking about this insanity. 💔 You are not alone.
Thanks so much! That means a lot. Where are you from?
Oklahoma. We just threw a fit because ICE was going to buy a facility and create an ICE detention center. The owner decided not to sell after all the outcry. Our mayor was against it and thrilled we turned ICE away. Now if we can get some legislative help nationally we may get that first step to turning back the flood.
So unthinkable yet here we are. Makes other times in history also somehow more understandable—that our ancestors lived through. 🌻
Mari, It is HEARTBREAKING to see and know that children are thought of as “bait” and/or are not valued as the sacred, innocent little precious beings that they are. 💔 Heartbreaking! How can anyone support a President who unleashes such a terror! I worked in schools for my career. I cannot imagine the daily fear children, their parents , teachers and staff have seeing ICE vans in the school parking lot or nearby!!
NO HEART!!!! Soul-less people!!!!
I skip across the raging sea,
a bearded cheerful dancer.
The vasty deep cannot claim me,
and neither can the cancer
that eats away at flesh and bone,
that works so hard to make me weep,
but I do not dance alone,
and the Company I choose to keep
bids me laugh and wave farewell
to my troubles and my cares.
I wish them love and wish them well,
but they are no longer my affairs,
placed instead into the Hands
of One who heals, and understands.
Beautiful 💓
Thank you, Annemarie. I really appreciate your comment.
Did you write this yourself? It is beautifully worded and laden with wisdom.
Yes, Jane, I did. I leave comments for posts in sonnet form, written after I've seen the post.
Why Shakespearean sonnets? Two reasons...first, it's a good writing discipline, putting in effect a whole story into fourteen lines with a specific rhyme scheme and metre.
Second, it's kinda fun.
Hello Andrew,,
Truly you have been given the gift to perhaps enable yourself to “eek through” the painful and emotional insults of Cancer. Your words will, I’m sure touch many people who are walking through and in valleys of pain and grief.
May God, family and friends be a comfort to you.☺️😌
Ann, I truly thank you for this. I hope that what I write can bring comfort, and perhaps clarity, to those facing a similar situation.
Oh Andrew! You’ve done it again! You express yourself so beautifully. You challenge the reader every single time with your “present tense” perspective.
You do not dance alone ! ❤️
Susan, thank you! It's truly best not to dance alone!
Thank you for this today. Your writing is a balm to wounded souls. Myself, I’m living with this daily challenge with a husband in treatment for brain cancer. We’re living each day as it comes but nothing is ordinary anymore. Plus we live in Minnesota, where everyday something new and horrific happens. Not just in the Twin Cities, but all over the state and in rural areas. It’s too much sometimes, leaving us hollowed out. But I’m gonna go to my gym class, get groceries, and make a nice dinner today. Each day is a new day.
I’m so sorry. Cancer changes everything, and then the news just keeps piling on. I’m glad you’re doing the grocery run and preparing a nice dinner for yourself. One day at a time is enough.
Thank you! Ironically, while I was making dinner last night, we got a call and had to haul him into the ER. So that dinner will be another night. He's doing okay this morning, more tests and then...
So beautifully said. My granddaughter also is dealing with 4th stage breast cancer. Chemo today! While I set Jello for our supper!! Nothing seems normal anymore, even in a little town in Minnesota.. I love this sharing. Thank you.
Oh boy...that is hard upon hard. Janet, does your granddaughter listen to/read Kate?
I feel such a kinship to you and all who are sharing their stories here…the fellowship of the wounded and weary. 🩷🙏🏻 Bless you Judith.
Sending you some extra love today, Judith.
Love to you Judith!!
I'm tired. I'm 68 and I marched on Washington in the 70s, advocated for Roe, showed up for Gay rights, and gun control, and it feels like it was all for naught. I wake up in the middle of the night, mind racing, mulling over the horrific events of yet another day in a country under siege. I despair for my children and grandchildren. And yet, as I write, I'm lesson planning and preparing dinner and the Scripture for morning prayer group. Because I can't let them win. And if that means dusting off the protest signs, then so be it. But I'll turn off the stove before I head out.
It is good to know the brokenness of a structure so that we can restore what little part of the wall we are next to. It is also good, as a sensitive soul, to ignore some of the world's raging and simply look people in the eye. Kate, thank you for naming the ache and naming a way through- namely, LIVING.
Wow this hit hard this morning , I shall pass it on . Sometimes we grieve those not dead, but those lost to addiction, mental illness , Alzheimer’s and that unresolved grief is really hard to bear . So we move through the days doing as best we can , loving as best we can knowing that we can’t control or fix things beyond ourselves and praying for El SHADDAI to grieve with us and direct our paths, thoughts and ways . Thank you
Amen praying for all those that are caregiving to someone else may rest in the knowledge that they are enough
Weary. Glad I'm not alone. Living in the "nevertheless," knowing it was for such a time as this that God's caring shines through. Grateful for ordinary heroes.
I like your way of putting it....."living in the 'nevertheless' "! Because of the crucifixion and the RESURRECTION, we know that love gets the last word and will be victorious. Therefore we can "nevertheless" live faithfully with hope!
The Vermeer painting really moved me. It’s such a beautiful, quiet scene, so peaceful and grounding. And it came just at the spot where you said we must go about daily tasks like preparing dinner while our hearts are broken open. I wondered: what traumas does the woman in the painting carry? Our hearts are broken, we are afraid, and life continues, filled with beauty.
Yes!!!! I SO love that painting also!!!!! It is a beautiful reminder of “Keep going! Keep doing the daily tasks!!! ( just don’t forget to try and take a break for a little rest or self care!!!!☺️
I don't have anything wise or brilliant to say, only this: Kate Bowler, thank you for naming the things, all thing the things, the hard things, the unmentionable things, the joys-filled things, the kind and loving things. I am so grateful to be able to open my inbox and hear a word that encourages me to get out of bed and eat a bowl of oatmeal and go trudging around in the frigid New England cold and snow in so many clothes I feel like an over-bundled toddler then come home and call mum's homemaker (she's got Alzheimer's and LBD, still early-insert teeth clenched emoji) and hope she can keep the same day because it's the same day as meal delivery and too many days with too many different things is too much. And I will make cookies for a cookie decorating party this weekend with local immigrant/refugee families because joy is an act of resistance and I will make the hard phone calls to struggling families I work with and plan an Easter service and Vacation Bible Camp and blanket making in church school for Project Linus. Kate, you remind us of the giant AND: that I can cry quietly(or loudly) in the car for all who suffer AND I can throw myself back into the snow to make a snow angel in my mum's driveway. Kate Bowler, thank you a million times over.
Fistbump from a fellow New Englander with no particular wisdom or brilliance. I keep thinking about baking but then get paralyzed by *waves arms frantically* all of this. Your words are inspiring me to make a go of it tomorrow though.
You’ve got it Jenny!!!!❄️☺️ ~ and YES! What a GIFT you are Kate to SO many hearts who want to keep beating , “even when!!!”☺️💗
I’m not asking that you put your head in the sand but only that you take a moment to remember what it feels like to have the sand between your toes and feel the ocean embrace you.
A lovely thought 🌊
I feel hopeful and know that God is in control no matter the circumstances. We need to continue to love each other and pray for wisdom and guidance as we walk through the absolute mess our country and the world are in.
And really what is the alternative? Only way out is through.
History marches on
There is a bottom line drawn across the ages
Culture can make its plan
Oh, but the line never changes
No matter how the deception may fly
There is one thing that has always been true
It will be true forever
“God is in Control”
—Twila Paris 🎵