I think one thing that helps me feel less alone in hard seasons is reaching out to a friend who I know will just listen, not try to solve or lessen the hardness, but just listen and say, yeah that is rough, yeah that sucks. I am here for you.
These friends are rare. I am that friend to a select few but my “go to” friend is now in heaven. She was wise, appropriate and totally “got “ me. Irreplaceable, but she showed me how to be a better friend.
Rare, indeed. It’s always so surprising who shows up & who doesn’t during a crisis. Unfortunately it’s often those who you don’t know as well who have also been through their very dark time.❤️
Oh, I do have dear friends still. May I notice they lean on my strength and it seems to work. As my very wise daughter once said, “Mom, you do hard “. I don’t shrink back when friends are in the pits-I lean in.
Same!!! I don’t either & am then often (if not always) disappointed when they don’t reciprocate! I’m forever asking myself if I’m expecting too much from them but I think not!! my oldest daughter, then reminds me of something I used to tell them when they were young “you can’t expect out of other people what you expect out of yourself”. And then my forever burning question, do we tell these friends how we feel? I felt that when both of my parents passed six weeks apart and then again four months after that when our youngest was diagnosed with cancer. She then relapsed a year later and had a stem cell transplant. Recently that same daughter‘s husband died from brain cancer. These friends do the “right things” that I call checking the box such as sending a note or something small like that. But they don’t show up in ways I need them too. Do we educate these people or stuff it?? That is my FOREVER BURNING QUESTION!! I seriously would appreciate peoples input on this!🥰
Beth, that is such a great question, and I’m so sorry. Honestly, I have not said anything and instead looked inwards - from experience people don’t want to be educated and when I’ve tried it’s just led to me suffering more. So honestly joining support groups and doing therapy, meditation and journaling have made me feel seen and heard (and big plug for independent radio station KEXP out of Seattle)
And here I am this very morning, “leaning in”. I am standing with my dearest friend on this side of the vale, as she struggles with a circus of emotions . I am an empath, I believe-so I absorb some of that pain and continue to show up. It took 24 sleepless hours to get here but I know this is where God wants me right now. That brings me joy.
In April 2011, we drove up the tsunami hit coast of Japan over tortured roads. Each ridge we saw the same thing, debris high in the treetops, wooden structures splintered to pieces driven up the streams, then completely stripped towns leaving only foundations and shorn off plumbing.
In one town, Minami Sanriku, as I filmed a worldwide appeal for help, my wife spotted something pink. It was stuffed bear. She picked it up and saw it had an Easter egg on its chest.
Lent is not just “giving up something”. It is seeing that Jesus recognized the brokenness of this world and chose to walk through its worst with us.
When I am in pain, disheartened, and feeling alone, my quiet time in the morning—journaling to God, reading scripture,or singing a favorite hymn—gives me renewed faith in my God – – and feeling He is near.
I get that same message when I read your post. You are a blessing to me.
Sue I was going to write a similar post. I spend time journaling and reading - my thoughts calm as I write realizing I’m not alone. Kate’s story has been a totally blessing as when I was diagnosed with a chronic disease her understanding of so much gave me hope and strength that someone really understood the fragility and that life is challenging and stinks sometimes.
I’ve always loved the word “passion” but never fully understood the depth of its meaning. (I think my Catholic friends have taught me a lot.)“The day of darkest deepest groan”, speaks to me way down deep where I live. It’s a passionate place I’ve learned how to embrace.
I am in a “long season of doubt and disillusionment and silence”. I’ve never in my life been told that it’s okay. That God is not offended by it. I’m so tired of making Him angry. I’m so tired of trying to figure out why I’m doubting or why he’s silent. I am just so damn tired of people telling me to “just have faith, or hope, or just pray more.” Or look in the bright side. Or be grateful. So. Damn. Tired.
So thank you, Kate, for letting me have this “bummer-ness.” Leaning into it this year.
I'm right there with you, sister, Jenni. I have read through the Bible several times andit has not increased my faith, but doubled my doubt and made me question all religion. Why do we believe in an omniscient, omnipotent sky Daddy? Why do people find comfort in that? The downward spiral was real and shook my foundation. Covid isolation did not help the situation. But, I have been slowly climbing out. I am fortunate that my best friend is a (now) retired Methodist minister. She listens to my complaints and answers my questions. She helps keeps my foundation firm. I keep reading the devotionals and going to church and, little by little, the bricks and boards are coming back together. The doubt and skepticism still exists, but I am comfortable with it, and am not afraid to question ideas. Because, if God is everything we are told s/he is, then s/he is more than capable to handle all my stuff to help me work through it.
Welcome Jenni, to the small group of people who live in reality. Thank you for saying out loud for all of us, "This is rotten and it stinks." We don't "fix" reality. But 90% of those around us want us to pretend with them. Yes, Kate talks about Joy Anyway, but she always gives us the reality! Have a Beautiful Terrible Day. I thank God for her message that allows me to acknowledge I am in pain and suffering. No whitewash. All the time offering me the paradox in that messy life is also hot and beauty. All of reality at the same time! I welcome you to the Reality Club. We won't try to cure you from being human. ❤️
I’ve been there too, Jenni. God can handle our doubts and disillusionment. I love the verse : “A bruised reed He will not break.” Matt. 12:20. Also, Isaiah 53:3 “(Jesus was) a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” I have meditated on those in times of distress and sadness.♥️
I’m so sorry, Jenni. It IS okay & I believe God is also okay with ALL of our emotions, especially our anger & doubt. He in fact felt all of those emotions while in earth & understands them. I too get tired of the trite things people say & could scream at them sometimes. Instead I have real (& sometimes rather loud) conversations with God in my car when I’m alone and He listens & loves me anyway.❤️
I’m so sorry Jenni. Sorry for the season but more for the limitations of others who don’t know how to be in this season without trying to fix it. Us humans want a tidy story but it makes for so much more hurt and shame I think for me at least. I am imagining you are experiencing something hard in these days and I pray that you have someone with flesh on to listen and stay without trying to fix or tidy.
Jenni, I’m sorry you’re experiencing the flippant remarks of others. I’m listening to Rachel Held Evan’s’ book “Braving the Truth” and it is such a gentle reminder of how doubt and questions and wonderings all have a place in our faith journey. Maybe it could be some comfort for you to hear her wrestling with her own doubts and disillusionment, to silence those voices negating the value of walking in the wilderness. Peace to you.
If you (or anyone reading) are interested, tomorrow the Center for Action and Contemplation is offering a 90-minute webinar — “How Do I Find Hope in Hard Times?” It’s from 10:00-12:30 Pacific Time.
Two of the facilitators are Carmen Acevedo Butcher and Jon Batiste. I was introduced to Carmen through a previous webinar and really resonated with the intelligent and gentle way she presented. And Jon Batiste….is wonderful.
There is a cost but they offer four options to meet anyone’s particular budget. I realize this is short notice. The presentation will be recorded. Anyone who registers by today, March 12, will receive a link to watch the replay for a year.
Looking straight on at the dramatically terrible parts of life ensures me that I am paying attention. And I want to always be a person who pays attention. Not just so I don’t miss the sparks of joy but also so I witness the pull of pain.
When I feel alone in the terribleness and bummerness I bring it to my sobriety circle of friends. Turns out folks in recovery are spectacularly good at witnessing each other’s pain without trying to fix it. And that’s what I need. A witness.
I am allergic to the bright siding language that some people insist on sharing when I voice something sorrowful. It instantly makes me itchy.
Yes! The bright sided language is often well intentioned but horribly misplaced- I think I’m also allergic! That kind of language negates the reality of our lives - and as you said we need to be present to both the pain and joy- it’s the only way I know to be human.
The 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer contain some of the most helpful wisdom in showing us how to make peace with our brokenness. I think people well-acquainted with its philosophy are good at the Ministry of Presence that gives people the witness, the space, and the support they need. Some gentleness, as much reality as we can stand, and then the respect to stand back and hands us the reins. It’s what I often experience with God in the confessional when I get a “good” confessor.
I keep “hearing” God say, “I am with you.” Never does God offer me answers or quick fixes only love & compassion just as your friends in sobriety are doing. Brava!
My sister died on Day Two of Lent this year, February 19. I can’t seem to “move on” back into normal reality, at the pace that seems like everyone is expecting me to.
I am so thankful for your devotionals, because I’m connecting with the tragedy of loss so much more profoundly this Lent season more than any other.
The earth somehow keeps spinning on its axis as always, but nothing is ever going to be like it was before.
I can’t move on from the pain of the loss. I can’t just pick up the phone or go hug her again
Yes, I am reassured by the fact that she is with Perfect Peace Personified, Hallelujah!
And my soul still aches with the painful truth of her physical absence from my own life. For 64 years, she has been “with” me…and now I’m ill•equipped to move through the motions of life without the soul•companionship that was strengthened every day during her last 1.5 years in her God•given body
Thank you for these Lent reflections that minister profoundly and put direction to my gnawing internal spiritual struggle
Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. I have an aunt on hospice and I don't think she will make it through Lent. When she received her ashes on Ash Wednesday it broke my heart. I am so grateful for this online community where we can bring our aches and feel understood in the struggle.
Diane I’m so sorry for your loss. When my father suddenly died one of the worst aspects of my grief was that the rest of the world had the audacity to go on as usual. I love the adage “We don’t get over. We just get through.” And these dingbats that think your sorrow should be on a timeline? I have some choice words for them.
Thank you for this tender reminder to treasure my three sisters…they are each a gift as your sister clearly was for you. I will keep you in my prayers, Diane, & will pray that your tender memories & faith will buoy you in this time of mourning.
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sister❤️ Moving on . . . Life is not what it was ~ You will move through . . . But at your pace and you’ll have good, bad and okay days sometimes all on the same day. Give yourself the grace you deserve❤️
Diane - I am so very sorry for your loss; sisters are such a gift and losing them is so painful. Grief has no timeline; don’t let others need to feel good try to hurry you along. Grief will be your companion
Oh your heart. You are surrounded by a caring, loving community. I'll add you to my prayers. What I've learned from the pain of others who have lost a family member - say their name. We can do that with you.
This is what I love and appreciate about you, Kate. You give affirmation to the deep feelings of despair, doubt, uncertainty, and sadness that are part of the human condition. As well as providing hope, the bible is full of passages that express these feelings. I honestly don’t know how one can live in this broken world, and not cry out to God, “How long, O Lord?!” It gives me comfort to know that others struggle with difficult questions and intense feelings. I know that God is real, and will one day put things right, but in the interim, there is so much that I don’t understand, or even like.
Kate, your work is a big part of what has taught me how to stop trying to fix or find a sunny solution when someone—including me—is hurting, grieving, angry. We aren’t taught to stay in the hard waves trusting that nothing is permanent but everything deserves to be ridden out. Now, I catch myself before I say something that unintentionally diminishes another’s pain. So thank you for all the “bummer” work you’ve been willing to do to bring so many of us to a place of fuller honesty.
When you say that you catch yourself… I try as well. Reminds me of a comment from someone on a previous post that introduced WAIT ( why am I talking). Listening is sometimes all I want.
I so deeply appreciate both your Lent and your Advent devotionals every year. They’re the best that I’ve read in 40 years of ministry. You and your team keep right on doing what you’re doing, with our grateful thanks.
As Beth D. said, Kate's work gives us permission to "lean into" the "bummer-ness." Letting the struggles, emotions, and trials wash over and through us without having to contort them, or the bummer Lenten story, into a caricature of false happiness feels kinder to my soul. I feel less alone with a modified practice from Kristen Neff's self-compassion of common humanity. Whatever the current suckatude is (despair, pain, relational, or just dammit, it's morning again) I imagine myself in this stadium filled with people from all over the world who are dealing with the same suckatude. Our sad eyes meet with a knowing gaze and a soft smile. We get it. We're reminded we're not alone. We are legion. And around us all holding us in an embrace right in where we are in our muddy mess, is our loving God. This is true whether I can believe it or feel him or not. Those are transient graces but this image of him is less slippery when the night is long.
I am going to being keeping the word “suckatude” with me. Waving at you in this giant stadium and grateful for the fabulous language you’ve given to this.
Your image of the stadium brought back a memory. When I was in college there was a night during the finals period that was dedicated for a group primal scream. At the designated time, everyone would stop whatever they were doing and go outside and let loose for 20 seconds. Sometimes I think this would be helpful in my adult life.
Kirsten, you paint a beautiful picture of this community and the God who holds us all. We each carry different burdens but oh the blessedness of just being able to lay them down beside one another and no longer pretend.
Presence makes all the difference. It’s amazing how much more capable I feel to withstand the hard “bummer” things in life just knowing that I’m not alone.
Couldn’t agree more, Laurie, that music offers a place of refuge and companionship.
Just yesterday our church hosted a community Day of Prayer service. I was blown away by the emotional response to our choir’s three anthems: Be Thou My Vision (to begin the service), Mercy Still (midway through), and Go Ye Now in Peace (ending the service). Through the song titles, the intentionality of our music director’s choices is evident. Even more so when we sang the last one, and the whole congregation turned around and watched the choir sing from our loft in the balcony. As we were finishing that piece, tears welled up in my eyes and heart. I had to keep telling myself “just keep singing”. The depth of Lent became palpable in that moment, leaving me feeling understood and loved.
Laurie, one of my dogs is dying. He's comfortable, and surrounded by his doggie friends (even one with whom he regularly fought!), but he's going nonetheless, and the quiet majesty of his passing puts me in mind of Mary Fahl's song, "Going Home", from the film God's And Generals.
Today, specifically, it was an hour and 40min call with women of faith, spread out across the globe (literally in 5 different countries) and they welcomed my admission of hurt and inadequacy of leading because of a circumstantial heaviness.
No agenda was followed, no "buck up" was said but we all shared a heaviness that was in our current situations. And we wept, we prayed, we laid it bare.
And it was safe.
And it wasn't lonely.
And it was fate, however you adhere to that line of thinking.
Husband and I took a chance on joining a broader organization who support/help/serve business professionals abroad. And 4 of us met in KL last year. The 5th lady was connected by a mutual friend. And we've built a beautiful bond/space. Once a month Zoom calls and a Signal group can do fantastic things.
My husband is a pragmatist. He is a salt of the earth, blue collar man who was taught to judge his worth (and that of others unfortunately) by the amount of physical labor he is doing. As such, when I share with him my worries or problems, or concerns he wants to fix them. He can’t help himself. It’s what he does. Sitting in uncertainty and discomfort is not something he does well. Listening without offering advice is very hard, but I see him trying. He lets me vent and bites his tongue when the solution seems so apparent to him. He is a good man. 🩵
What a great example of God not wasting pain. Compassion for you and growth for him! I realize my comment may sound a bit bright sidey and inappropriate for this conversation, but my poor husband just suffered through a year of my daily venting during a very hard season, so your appreciation resonated with me.
Thank you so much for your reply and gesture of solidarity. Relatively speaking, this time of venting is fairly calm compared to the entire span of 2016 through 2020. Bless him for sticking with me.
I always need time alone to process and take my own emotional temperature or I get overwhelmed dealing with others even if we are sharing in the same situation.
I have an empathic husband, sister, children and friends.
It wouldn’t work for everyone but all our closest people are able to honestly say what’s raw and are similarly drawn to having a heightened sense of the ridiculous at times of stress and grief. We can just dwell together.
Our minister looking after us when my Mum died commented on this freedom and closeness and we don’t take it for granted. We are currently going through an extended period of stress and grief on several fronts but coping with all the rollercoaster of feelings with the comfort of this commonality without fear of damaging relationships between us is incredibly helpful.
Dear Diane, thank you, you are very kind especially considering what you are going through. I understand something of the loss this message represents. Great love and intimacy sharpens the loss I think. I do consider we are privileged when family are also friends we would choose, and I wouldn’t forgo the loving intimacy to avoid the grief of loss. But I am thinking of you just now and praying for this time in your life. May the gifts from this relationship continue to provide light as you progress through and beyond the worst of grief and loss.
The death of several family members has been such a mixture of every feeling.
Have to share a story that ties together yesterday’s reflection and today’s… Last year, the well-respected healthcare system I worked for over 30 years made a “business decision” to shut down our 30 year old hospice service (which accounted for 50% of my job AND 100% of my professional passion)… It was a huge blow to the hospice team and the community. As a leader of the service, I felt my own grief and anger and also felt the weight of 100 hospice team members who were angry, broken-hearted, and grieving as well.
The day after the announcement, a former coworker in the hospice (by then retired, but still much invested in the service) showed up unannounced at my house with pastries, wild flowers from her garden, and a string of F* bombs! Then she encouraged me to drop one myself, saying “Say it out loud, Mary!” (This Mary who grew up in a very conservative home where we didn’t swear - we didn’t even “fart” - we “made a noise” 😂)
Her kindness and companionship in the grief and anger was priceless. She couldn’t fix it, but she helped me express the “suckatude” of the situation!
Friends who just show up and acknowledge that this really sucks are the best medicine.
I think one thing that helps me feel less alone in hard seasons is reaching out to a friend who I know will just listen, not try to solve or lessen the hardness, but just listen and say, yeah that is rough, yeah that sucks. I am here for you.
These friends are rare. I am that friend to a select few but my “go to” friend is now in heaven. She was wise, appropriate and totally “got “ me. Irreplaceable, but she showed me how to be a better friend.
Rare, indeed. It’s always so surprising who shows up & who doesn’t during a crisis. Unfortunately it’s often those who you don’t know as well who have also been through their very dark time.❤️
Beth, I tend to show up, but I've been characterized as a very hard man. Break Glass In Case Of War.
Don't know if I'm comforting, but I'm there, grimmer than the plague and more serious than a heart attack. Orhers' words.
Yes.
I’m glad to see your name popping up today. You and your family have been in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing that Susan. They are rare. I hope you are able to find a friend who is able to get you. Life without them is hard.
Oh, I do have dear friends still. May I notice they lean on my strength and it seems to work. As my very wise daughter once said, “Mom, you do hard “. I don’t shrink back when friends are in the pits-I lean in.
Same!!! I don’t either & am then often (if not always) disappointed when they don’t reciprocate! I’m forever asking myself if I’m expecting too much from them but I think not!! my oldest daughter, then reminds me of something I used to tell them when they were young “you can’t expect out of other people what you expect out of yourself”. And then my forever burning question, do we tell these friends how we feel? I felt that when both of my parents passed six weeks apart and then again four months after that when our youngest was diagnosed with cancer. She then relapsed a year later and had a stem cell transplant. Recently that same daughter‘s husband died from brain cancer. These friends do the “right things” that I call checking the box such as sending a note or something small like that. But they don’t show up in ways I need them too. Do we educate these people or stuff it?? That is my FOREVER BURNING QUESTION!! I seriously would appreciate peoples input on this!🥰
Beth, that is such a great question, and I’m so sorry. Honestly, I have not said anything and instead looked inwards - from experience people don’t want to be educated and when I’ve tried it’s just led to me suffering more. So honestly joining support groups and doing therapy, meditation and journaling have made me feel seen and heard (and big plug for independent radio station KEXP out of Seattle)
Aw, Susan. I am so glad you had her.
She actually introduced me to the friend I now declare as my “bestie”. God is like that.
God's weird sometimes. Right now He has the Pittie Puppies tearing up my bedsheets. I would intervene, but oh, the blood from puppy teeth!
And here I am this very morning, “leaning in”. I am standing with my dearest friend on this side of the vale, as she struggles with a circus of emotions . I am an empath, I believe-so I absorb some of that pain and continue to show up. It took 24 sleepless hours to get here but I know this is where God wants me right now. That brings me joy.
Susan, you're my hero. If I ever grow up (Barb's words!) I want to be like you.
My go-to friend is in heaven too, yet I still consult saying, “What would Kay and Jesus” do and say to me?”🙏🏽
Just think, Kay and Jesus may even be talking about you! ❤️
Thanks, Susan!
I love having thst one friend 🧡 It makes all the difference.
It really does. I only have a few like that. They are the special ones.
Sarah, reaching out is something I just don't do. "I can hack this alone" has been my guiding motto.
It drove my wife crazy. She felt unneeded, and unused, when cancer happened upon the scene.
Now, though, I can't do the things I once could. I can't dress myself. I need help in bathing.
Could it be that God allowed pancreatic cancer and it's dread metastases that I might learn humility?
I am no theologian, but am forced to consider the burning question.
Oh yes, you certainly ARE a theologian!
(From my own experience, I rarely agree with God about the things that have taught me humility.)
Susan, just being me taught me to be humble.
When I realized that I am (not 'was') an idiot, the door opened, just a little.
Kate leans into the “bummer” that is lent.
Resurrection has no meaning without death.
Easter has no meaning without the cross.
In April 2011, we drove up the tsunami hit coast of Japan over tortured roads. Each ridge we saw the same thing, debris high in the treetops, wooden structures splintered to pieces driven up the streams, then completely stripped towns leaving only foundations and shorn off plumbing.
In one town, Minami Sanriku, as I filmed a worldwide appeal for help, my wife spotted something pink. It was stuffed bear. She picked it up and saw it had an Easter egg on its chest.
Lent is not just “giving up something”. It is seeing that Jesus recognized the brokenness of this world and chose to walk through its worst with us.
Good Friday is the best of days,
the day of the darkest deepest groan
when in the night a small voice says,
"My child, you'll never be alone,
for I have gone to hell and back;
it is what I had to do
to bring the courage that you lack.
I will face the flames with you.
Together, child, we will be burned;
together, child, we'll wail and weep.
It's not a thing that you have earned,
but My heart is yours to keep
and our blood will be as one,
yours and Mine, our Father's Son."
When I am in pain, disheartened, and feeling alone, my quiet time in the morning—journaling to God, reading scripture,or singing a favorite hymn—gives me renewed faith in my God – – and feeling He is near.
I get that same message when I read your post. You are a blessing to me.
Sue I was going to write a similar post. I spend time journaling and reading - my thoughts calm as I write realizing I’m not alone. Kate’s story has been a totally blessing as when I was diagnosed with a chronic disease her understanding of so much gave me hope and strength that someone really understood the fragility and that life is challenging and stinks sometimes.
It's fragile, but with pancreatic cancer, I have found that fragility has its own Grace, and a kind of magnificence I never found in ruddy health.
Sue, reading your words, I absolutely know that you are a blessing to those around you.
Rock on, Dear Heart.
I’ve always loved the word “passion” but never fully understood the depth of its meaning. (I think my Catholic friends have taught me a lot.)“The day of darkest deepest groan”, speaks to me way down deep where I live. It’s a passionate place I’ve learned how to embrace.
I'm so glad this spoke to you, Susan.
I am in a “long season of doubt and disillusionment and silence”. I’ve never in my life been told that it’s okay. That God is not offended by it. I’m so tired of making Him angry. I’m so tired of trying to figure out why I’m doubting or why he’s silent. I am just so damn tired of people telling me to “just have faith, or hope, or just pray more.” Or look in the bright side. Or be grateful. So. Damn. Tired.
So thank you, Kate, for letting me have this “bummer-ness.” Leaning into it this year.
I'm right there with you, sister, Jenni. I have read through the Bible several times andit has not increased my faith, but doubled my doubt and made me question all religion. Why do we believe in an omniscient, omnipotent sky Daddy? Why do people find comfort in that? The downward spiral was real and shook my foundation. Covid isolation did not help the situation. But, I have been slowly climbing out. I am fortunate that my best friend is a (now) retired Methodist minister. She listens to my complaints and answers my questions. She helps keeps my foundation firm. I keep reading the devotionals and going to church and, little by little, the bricks and boards are coming back together. The doubt and skepticism still exists, but I am comfortable with it, and am not afraid to question ideas. Because, if God is everything we are told s/he is, then s/he is more than capable to handle all my stuff to help me work through it.
Welcome Jenni, to the small group of people who live in reality. Thank you for saying out loud for all of us, "This is rotten and it stinks." We don't "fix" reality. But 90% of those around us want us to pretend with them. Yes, Kate talks about Joy Anyway, but she always gives us the reality! Have a Beautiful Terrible Day. I thank God for her message that allows me to acknowledge I am in pain and suffering. No whitewash. All the time offering me the paradox in that messy life is also hot and beauty. All of reality at the same time! I welcome you to the Reality Club. We won't try to cure you from being human. ❤️
I’ve been there too, Jenni. God can handle our doubts and disillusionment. I love the verse : “A bruised reed He will not break.” Matt. 12:20. Also, Isaiah 53:3 “(Jesus was) a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.” I have meditated on those in times of distress and sadness.♥️
I think about the verse about the bruised reed too when I feel so vulnerable and am struggling deeppy
I’m so sorry, Jenni. It IS okay & I believe God is also okay with ALL of our emotions, especially our anger & doubt. He in fact felt all of those emotions while in earth & understands them. I too get tired of the trite things people say & could scream at them sometimes. Instead I have real (& sometimes rather loud) conversations with God in my car when I’m alone and He listens & loves me anyway.❤️
I’m so sorry Jenni. Sorry for the season but more for the limitations of others who don’t know how to be in this season without trying to fix it. Us humans want a tidy story but it makes for so much more hurt and shame I think for me at least. I am imagining you are experiencing something hard in these days and I pray that you have someone with flesh on to listen and stay without trying to fix or tidy.
Jenni, I’m sorry you’re experiencing the flippant remarks of others. I’m listening to Rachel Held Evan’s’ book “Braving the Truth” and it is such a gentle reminder of how doubt and questions and wonderings all have a place in our faith journey. Maybe it could be some comfort for you to hear her wrestling with her own doubts and disillusionment, to silence those voices negating the value of walking in the wilderness. Peace to you.
If you (or anyone reading) are interested, tomorrow the Center for Action and Contemplation is offering a 90-minute webinar — “How Do I Find Hope in Hard Times?” It’s from 10:00-12:30 Pacific Time.
Two of the facilitators are Carmen Acevedo Butcher and Jon Batiste. I was introduced to Carmen through a previous webinar and really resonated with the intelligent and gentle way she presented. And Jon Batiste….is wonderful.
There is a cost but they offer four options to meet anyone’s particular budget. I realize this is short notice. The presentation will be recorded. Anyone who registers by today, March 12, will receive a link to watch the replay for a year.
Yes. Jenni, I am also So. damn.Tired.
Looking straight on at the dramatically terrible parts of life ensures me that I am paying attention. And I want to always be a person who pays attention. Not just so I don’t miss the sparks of joy but also so I witness the pull of pain.
When I feel alone in the terribleness and bummerness I bring it to my sobriety circle of friends. Turns out folks in recovery are spectacularly good at witnessing each other’s pain without trying to fix it. And that’s what I need. A witness.
I am allergic to the bright siding language that some people insist on sharing when I voice something sorrowful. It instantly makes me itchy.
So true! We rarely want or need fixing, ewe just want someone to “sit in the ashes” with us.
I love that, Beth. “Sit in the ashes”.
Yes. I want someone to sit in the ashes.
Yes! The bright sided language is often well intentioned but horribly misplaced- I think I’m also allergic! That kind of language negates the reality of our lives - and as you said we need to be present to both the pain and joy- it’s the only way I know to be human.
Only way I know how, too Kathleen! You’re my kind of human 🫶
Sometimes when it all goes wrong,
craps-shooting hand is outta luck,
I think I'm gonna write a song
and call the thing, "Embrace The Suck".
It'll have some minor key
progressions (baby, I'm so miffed),
but they're gonna have to be
played with metal gee-tars, riffed,
because that's really where it's at,
sad, but, hey, now, what the hell!
No feel-goodies, sounding pat,
just despair and a rebel yell
that break the heart, shatter the soul,
the only way to make them whole.
Like this one Andrew?
https://youtube.com/shorts/Zy_y9yOrgxk?si=NKy2nMLaI3CfSmVJ
The 12 Steps and the Serenity Prayer contain some of the most helpful wisdom in showing us how to make peace with our brokenness. I think people well-acquainted with its philosophy are good at the Ministry of Presence that gives people the witness, the space, and the support they need. Some gentleness, as much reality as we can stand, and then the respect to stand back and hands us the reins. It’s what I often experience with God in the confessional when I get a “good” confessor.
Ministry of Presence. Ooof. I love that.
The crack is how the light gets in, right? I embrace the broken parts. They belong, too.
Thanks, Aimee.
This is so beautifully said, Allison. Thank God for those who are present enough and quiet enough with us to be witnesses in our hard places.
Thanks Leanne. That’s it - quiet presence. 🫶
I keep “hearing” God say, “I am with you.” Never does God offer me answers or quick fixes only love & compassion just as your friends in sobriety are doing. Brava!
Yes!!!!
My sister died on Day Two of Lent this year, February 19. I can’t seem to “move on” back into normal reality, at the pace that seems like everyone is expecting me to.
I am so thankful for your devotionals, because I’m connecting with the tragedy of loss so much more profoundly this Lent season more than any other.
The earth somehow keeps spinning on its axis as always, but nothing is ever going to be like it was before.
I can’t move on from the pain of the loss. I can’t just pick up the phone or go hug her again
Yes, I am reassured by the fact that she is with Perfect Peace Personified, Hallelujah!
And my soul still aches with the painful truth of her physical absence from my own life. For 64 years, she has been “with” me…and now I’m ill•equipped to move through the motions of life without the soul•companionship that was strengthened every day during her last 1.5 years in her God•given body
Thank you for these Lent reflections that minister profoundly and put direction to my gnawing internal spiritual struggle
Oh hon, I'm so sorry.
🤗❣️Bless you dear, thank you so much❤️🩹 🤗❣️
Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. I have an aunt on hospice and I don't think she will make it through Lent. When she received her ashes on Ash Wednesday it broke my heart. I am so grateful for this online community where we can bring our aches and feel understood in the struggle.
Diane I’m so sorry for your loss. When my father suddenly died one of the worst aspects of my grief was that the rest of the world had the audacity to go on as usual. I love the adage “We don’t get over. We just get through.” And these dingbats that think your sorrow should be on a timeline? I have some choice words for them.
Lost my mom suddenly ~ so hard to watch the world keep charging on w/o her in it ~ moving through is all we can do❤️
It’s heartbreaking. May her memory be a blessing.
Oh Diane, I am so sorry for your loss. I found these words on grief a while back that really spoke to me. I offer them with my heartfelt sympathy.
sometimes
we honour them
in big beautiful ways.
we write. we paint. we sing.
we share their story. their picture.
we do good things in their name.
and sometimes we honour them quietly.
we cry. we break. we get out of bed.
we try to stay alive and love them.
we can honour a person's life by
sharing things. creating things.
and we can also honour a life by
surviving in a world without them.
Diane I am so sorry. I am wrapping my arms around you.
🤗❣️Bless you dear, thank you so much
Thank you for this tender reminder to treasure my three sisters…they are each a gift as your sister clearly was for you. I will keep you in my prayers, Diane, & will pray that your tender memories & faith will buoy you in this time of mourning.
🤗❣️Bless you dear, thank you so much❤️🩹 🤗❣️
So sorry to hear this, Diane 💔
🤗❣️Bless you dear, thank you so much❤️🩹 🤗❣️
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear sister❤️ Moving on . . . Life is not what it was ~ You will move through . . . But at your pace and you’ll have good, bad and okay days sometimes all on the same day. Give yourself the grace you deserve❤️
Diane - I am so very sorry for your loss; sisters are such a gift and losing them is so painful. Grief has no timeline; don’t let others need to feel good try to hurry you along. Grief will be your companion
; know that we walk with you.
Oh your heart. You are surrounded by a caring, loving community. I'll add you to my prayers. What I've learned from the pain of others who have lost a family member - say their name. We can do that with you.
This is what I love and appreciate about you, Kate. You give affirmation to the deep feelings of despair, doubt, uncertainty, and sadness that are part of the human condition. As well as providing hope, the bible is full of passages that express these feelings. I honestly don’t know how one can live in this broken world, and not cry out to God, “How long, O Lord?!” It gives me comfort to know that others struggle with difficult questions and intense feelings. I know that God is real, and will one day put things right, but in the interim, there is so much that I don’t understand, or even like.
“God is not offended by our despair.”
The nuggets of wisdom are worthy of remembrance.
Thank you to you, Kate, and your team. You have answered the call and we are well served.
Kate, your work is a big part of what has taught me how to stop trying to fix or find a sunny solution when someone—including me—is hurting, grieving, angry. We aren’t taught to stay in the hard waves trusting that nothing is permanent but everything deserves to be ridden out. Now, I catch myself before I say something that unintentionally diminishes another’s pain. So thank you for all the “bummer” work you’ve been willing to do to bring so many of us to a place of fuller honesty.
Ugh I still find myself doing it too. The pull to try to fix or solve is so tempting, isn't it?
Sooooo tempting.
When you say that you catch yourself… I try as well. Reminds me of a comment from someone on a previous post that introduced WAIT ( why am I talking). Listening is sometimes all I want.
I should have that tattooed on the inside of my glasses!!
I love that. I didn’t see that post. I’m going to remember that. Wait.
Me too. Great advice.
I so deeply appreciate both your Lent and your Advent devotionals every year. They’re the best that I’ve read in 40 years of ministry. You and your team keep right on doing what you’re doing, with our grateful thanks.
Oh this is so kind. Thank you, Laurie.
Yes!!! 👏
As Beth D. said, Kate's work gives us permission to "lean into" the "bummer-ness." Letting the struggles, emotions, and trials wash over and through us without having to contort them, or the bummer Lenten story, into a caricature of false happiness feels kinder to my soul. I feel less alone with a modified practice from Kristen Neff's self-compassion of common humanity. Whatever the current suckatude is (despair, pain, relational, or just dammit, it's morning again) I imagine myself in this stadium filled with people from all over the world who are dealing with the same suckatude. Our sad eyes meet with a knowing gaze and a soft smile. We get it. We're reminded we're not alone. We are legion. And around us all holding us in an embrace right in where we are in our muddy mess, is our loving God. This is true whether I can believe it or feel him or not. Those are transient graces but this image of him is less slippery when the night is long.
THIS. We are not nearly as alone as it feels.
Yes, Kate. Within this community, I feel less alone and very supported
I am going to being keeping the word “suckatude” with me. Waving at you in this giant stadium and grateful for the fabulous language you’ve given to this.
Your image of the stadium brought back a memory. When I was in college there was a night during the finals period that was dedicated for a group primal scream. At the designated time, everyone would stop whatever they were doing and go outside and let loose for 20 seconds. Sometimes I think this would be helpful in my adult life.
I agree. That would be soooo therapeutic!
Kirsten, you paint a beautiful picture of this community and the God who holds us all. We each carry different burdens but oh the blessedness of just being able to lay them down beside one another and no longer pretend.
Presence makes all the difference. It’s amazing how much more capable I feel to withstand the hard “bummer” things in life just knowing that I’m not alone.
Carly, you brought back a memory. I hope I might share it with you? It's from a war most people chose to forget.
***
We thought we would die back to back,
and that we never would get home,
but it was I who made it back,
and at least you didn't die alone.
I held your hand as the light faded,
and then I really had to go.
I had thought myself quite jaded
until your last breath let me know
that I had somehow formed a bridge
that you, not lonely, now could cross.
As I ran down that bloody ridge
through sleeting lead, I felt your loss,
and in that moment, sorrow, pain,
I knew my presence was your gain.
100%
Wallowing with the help of good, sad music. Lenten hymns, with their minor chord progressions, are the perfect soundtrack for the season.
Couldn’t agree more, Laurie, that music offers a place of refuge and companionship.
Just yesterday our church hosted a community Day of Prayer service. I was blown away by the emotional response to our choir’s three anthems: Be Thou My Vision (to begin the service), Mercy Still (midway through), and Go Ye Now in Peace (ending the service). Through the song titles, the intentionality of our music director’s choices is evident. Even more so when we sang the last one, and the whole congregation turned around and watched the choir sing from our loft in the balcony. As we were finishing that piece, tears welled up in my eyes and heart. I had to keep telling myself “just keep singing”. The depth of Lent became palpable in that moment, leaving me feeling understood and loved.
Laurie, one of my dogs is dying. He's comfortable, and surrounded by his doggie friends (even one with whom he regularly fought!), but he's going nonetheless, and the quiet majesty of his passing puts me in mind of Mary Fahl's song, "Going Home", from the film God's And Generals.
https://youtu.be/uiigALCLBzA?si=EFK0aakyiBnN3LIs
The quiet majesty of his passing...
I love that, Andrew. I'm sorry, my friend, because it's just so hard to let them go.
It is, Leanne. It truly is.
I’m sorry - never easy.
No, Karen, it's not.
Yes! Music, hugs, cats for me.
Yes! Music, hugs, cats for me.
Today, specifically, it was an hour and 40min call with women of faith, spread out across the globe (literally in 5 different countries) and they welcomed my admission of hurt and inadequacy of leading because of a circumstantial heaviness.
No agenda was followed, no "buck up" was said but we all shared a heaviness that was in our current situations. And we wept, we prayed, we laid it bare.
And it was safe.
And it wasn't lonely.
And it was fate, however you adhere to that line of thinking.
Sounds like a wonderful group!
Husband and I took a chance on joining a broader organization who support/help/serve business professionals abroad. And 4 of us met in KL last year. The 5th lady was connected by a mutual friend. And we've built a beautiful bond/space. Once a month Zoom calls and a Signal group can do fantastic things.
I’m in a faith writer’s group that meets on Zoom. We formed from a larger group. It is amazing the bonds you can form with online meetings.
My husband is a pragmatist. He is a salt of the earth, blue collar man who was taught to judge his worth (and that of others unfortunately) by the amount of physical labor he is doing. As such, when I share with him my worries or problems, or concerns he wants to fix them. He can’t help himself. It’s what he does. Sitting in uncertainty and discomfort is not something he does well. Listening without offering advice is very hard, but I see him trying. He lets me vent and bites his tongue when the solution seems so apparent to him. He is a good man. 🩵
What a great example of God not wasting pain. Compassion for you and growth for him! I realize my comment may sound a bit bright sidey and inappropriate for this conversation, but my poor husband just suffered through a year of my daily venting during a very hard season, so your appreciation resonated with me.
Thank you so much for your reply and gesture of solidarity. Relatively speaking, this time of venting is fairly calm compared to the entire span of 2016 through 2020. Bless him for sticking with me.
I always need time alone to process and take my own emotional temperature or I get overwhelmed dealing with others even if we are sharing in the same situation.
I have an empathic husband, sister, children and friends.
It wouldn’t work for everyone but all our closest people are able to honestly say what’s raw and are similarly drawn to having a heightened sense of the ridiculous at times of stress and grief. We can just dwell together.
Our minister looking after us when my Mum died commented on this freedom and closeness and we don’t take it for granted. We are currently going through an extended period of stress and grief on several fronts but coping with all the rollercoaster of feelings with the comfort of this commonality without fear of damaging relationships between us is incredibly helpful.
That is absolutely beautiful!
My sister, with whom I could share this truth•telling freely with, … she just died on February 19, Day 2 of Lent
I’m feeling so lost without her
I’m grateful you have that most precious community, Ann
❤️🩹
Dear Diane, thank you, you are very kind especially considering what you are going through. I understand something of the loss this message represents. Great love and intimacy sharpens the loss I think. I do consider we are privileged when family are also friends we would choose, and I wouldn’t forgo the loving intimacy to avoid the grief of loss. But I am thinking of you just now and praying for this time in your life. May the gifts from this relationship continue to provide light as you progress through and beyond the worst of grief and loss.
The death of several family members has been such a mixture of every feeling.
God Bless you.
Have to share a story that ties together yesterday’s reflection and today’s… Last year, the well-respected healthcare system I worked for over 30 years made a “business decision” to shut down our 30 year old hospice service (which accounted for 50% of my job AND 100% of my professional passion)… It was a huge blow to the hospice team and the community. As a leader of the service, I felt my own grief and anger and also felt the weight of 100 hospice team members who were angry, broken-hearted, and grieving as well.
The day after the announcement, a former coworker in the hospice (by then retired, but still much invested in the service) showed up unannounced at my house with pastries, wild flowers from her garden, and a string of F* bombs! Then she encouraged me to drop one myself, saying “Say it out loud, Mary!” (This Mary who grew up in a very conservative home where we didn’t swear - we didn’t even “fart” - we “made a noise” 😂)
Her kindness and companionship in the grief and anger was priceless. She couldn’t fix it, but she helped me express the “suckatude” of the situation!
Friends who just show up and acknowledge that this really sucks are the best medicine.
Wow-- well that is the best kind of friend right there.
They shut down a hospice program!?!? I’m experiencing grief and anger just sitting here reading about it.